Quiet As It's Kept...

"Fall In Love" by D'Banj


...my sweet potato / i wanna tell yu my mind / i wanna tell yu my mind...

So you know I have been natural for a little over a year now and I have been rocking the Afro for six months.

About a week before graduation, I got my hair braided to fulfill my mother's request.  She absolutely hates my natural hair and thinks I look like a boy.

And even though I am happy to have gone natural, it's still a daily struggle.  I don't always feel so beautiful in my consciousness.  There are days when I feel so hideous (and that's when I put on a crazy, colorful, extravagant outfit and rock it all day and all night).

I still have the braids in a month after graduation.  It is most definitely time to remove them but I am scared to see my Afro.  I ain't ready.  I feel prepared everyday when I wake up with these braids.  I don't have to do anything.  I don't have to hide from my bedmate until I wet it and comb it and shape it.  Then I am presentable.  I don't like that I feel this way and I don't know what to do about it.

Sitting here writing about this, picturing the different activities of my day with my Afro...no bueno.

And it shouldn't be like that.  I am doing this to revolt against a untrue aesthetic, to show my children their true African beauty, to show my sisters and brothers that our aesthetic is valuable and worthy and original.  Ugh I'm so torn.  My mind knows the intellectual and spiritual value of natural hair but my shallowness supersedes what I know...at least for now.

This is why I didn't even want to get braids because I knew this would happen.  It's going to be like going natural all over again.  And I was scared to commit to locking my hair...I'm going to lock my hair as soon as I take these out.

Well maybe in a couple weeks because this paycheck ain't looking right enough for no $400 installation fee.  But it'll sure be worth it when I get my natural swag back.


Chuuch.